


I'm not okay

by SkylerSkyhigh



Series: Welcome To My Life [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst With a Happy Endings, Big Brother Sans, Depression, F/M, Female Reader, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Reader acts like Papyrus most of the time, Reader is Me, Teenage Sans, depressed reader, hurt reader, teenage reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 04:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11706846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkylerSkyhigh/pseuds/SkylerSkyhigh
Summary: "I'm fine"It always sounds like a lie. Because it is. I'm not fine. I'm not okay.But can this small skeleton understand and make me feel okay?





	I'm not okay

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I experience. Somehow this came up from thinking about echo flowers. Heh. Anyways, enjoy a little slice of life. 
> 
> Lost ones weeping - cover by JubyPhonic
> 
> Rolling Girl - cover by JubyPhonic
> 
> Welcome to my life - simple plan
> 
> I feel like those songs match.

"I'm okay."

I'm okay. That's what I always say when people ask 'Are you alright?' It's a lie. I lied to them. 

But what can I say? Depression...has hit me hard. Phantom pains in my Soul. Voices of doubt in my head. 

I want to tell them, tell everyone I'm not Okay. But how? My parents, they don't know how to deal with something like this. My family has no clue what to do. 

I can't tell anyone else. My 'friends'.don't know either. This isn't something they've dealt with. They do more harm than good. 

Teacher? No. What can they do? Even they can't help. 

I'm all alone. I'm alone. 

"(Y/n)?"

I look up to see Sans looking at me with concern. The park near school is quite. A perfect place to think and let my mind wander. And to get away from the hustle and bustle of school. Loud noises don't really work with me. 

"Sans? What're you doing here?" I asked. 

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." he said and pointed to the empty space beside me. I nodded and he sat down beside me. His face screamed concern and worry. But that's a lie. He doesn't care about me. No one does. 

"when are you going home?" he asked the typical question. I hear that question all the time. 

"In about an hour. My grandfather's picking me up. You?" I return the question. 

"I was heading back home when I saw you." he said. "what are you doing here alone?"

"I like being alone." I stated, ignoring the slight pain at the tiny lie. It's not that big of a lie. I was so used to being alone I just don't socialize anymore. After so many people ignoring me for so long, I gave up. 

"oh." he hummed and we sat in silence for a moment. 

"you okay?" he asked. 

I smiled sadly. I was about to say yes when I saw a familiar car. I picked up my bag and stood up. 

"Sorry, I gotta go." I said. 

"oh, okay. see ya tomorrow." he waved me goodbye. I smiled and waved back before walking. 

I stopped and spoke to him from over my shoulder. "By the way, no. I'm not okay." and with that, I walked away ignoring the dread in my Soul. It's always a risk saying that but I'm tired of lying. I just want to go home and back to my room. 

~~~

The next day, recess came earlier than expected. I don't feel hungry and gathered my journal and pen before heading to the library. It's still as noisy as even but the cool ac calms me down as I write today's entry. 

As I walked to the library, the boys from my class was in the way. I paid them no mind and when I got close, I said a quick hi. They turned around and quickly run away. I ignored them and kept walking. It's a running joke since I first came to this school. Boys would run away from me. Literally. I'm amazed they still kept going after four years. 

I got to the library quick and found an empty table away from the groups of students chatting away. I got out my book and pen and began writing. 

I was done pretty quick and laid my head on the table. School is getting harder and harder to deal with nowadays and most days I just don't have the energy to get out of bed. 

"heya."

I opened my eyes to see Sans in front of the table. 

"Hey."

He smiled, I noted he looks tense. "heh, what're you doing?"

I gestured to the black book on the table across me with my eyes. "Writing my diary."

"oh?" he looks interested and looks at the black book. "can I read it?" he asked for permission. He's not being nosy like other people. He really looks interested. 

I raised my eye brows in an okay gesture. Too lazy to give a proper yes. He seems to understand and sat down to read my entries. I wasn't worried about him. It's not like I have any secrets. I'm pretty open. I'm also not worried he would see my depression at full force. I don't hold back when writing my journal. Besides, it's not like he can do anything about my problems. No one can. If anyone wants to read my book, they are free to do so. So far nothing has changed despite reading it. Even the teachers know but again, nothing's changed. I gave up trying so hard. 

I paid him no mind and closed my eyes again. Despite my mind wanting to just sleep, the library is too noisy because of all the students talking. I gave up trying and just let my body cool down in the cool air. I really wish I could bring my phone and headphones. Music helps keep my emotions in check. 

I heard him take a quick inhale and open my eyes to look at him. He has blue tears in the corners of his eye sockets. His eyes showed horror, pain and sympathy. I raised my head from the table to face him properly. 

He looks up and stares at me like I'm in pain, which I am. Just not physically. 

"(y/n)... I-"

He was cut off by the bell. I sighed and stood up, stretching my body. My bones popped as I stretched, almost sounding like a symphony. I look at Sans and held my hand out. 

"My book." I said almost empty and he jumped. He stared down at the open book with an unreadable look before closing it and handing it to me. 

I held it to my chest and waved him goodbye. "See ya."

"see ya." he said in return and I left for class. 

~~~

The next time I saw Sans was the next day. I was actually waiting for my ride home when he sat down beside me. 

"hey." he smiled at me. 

I smiled back a bit forced. "Hey."

"so, about your book..." he started looking a bit nervous. 

"Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow. "You want to read it?" I offered. People sometimes want to keep reading it. Which I get. I can publish it for how much I wrote. 

"no! no, I just. you're depressed." he noted and I ignore the feeling in my chest. 

"Yeah? So?" I ask.

"I don't mean to offend-!"

"None taken." I said easily. "I'm not easily offended."

"yeah... anyway, you... you hid it pretty well. never thought you'd be depressed out of all people." he told me. 

I hummed. "Is it because I'm so happy all the time?" 

He reluctantly nodded. "yeah. you-. you acted so much like my brother. so lively. so energetic. so-"

"Annoying."

"what?" he asked in disbelief and a little mad, probably for his brother. 

"I'm annoying. I'm aware." I clarified feeling myself deflate a little. "People keep telling me. It's not like they hold back their opinion of me."

"oh." he said with a hint of guilt in his voice for jumping to conclusion. 

We sat in silence watching the clouds roll by. Students still kept making noise that made me cringe slightly from time to time.  
"have you told the teacher?" He asked. 

I sighed a bit tiredly. "Yes. And I'm going to the therapist too."

"oh. okay. but you keep saying you're fine when you're not." he insisted. 

"I'm aware. But what can I say? People don't really know how to react to people who have depression. Even so, what can they do? Nothing. So why cause more problems?"

"problems?" he asked looking confused and in shock. "what problems?"

"If you hadn't notice, people in my life are dense. They don't know what depression is let alone handle someone with depression. Talking about it only causes problems since they see me as a crazy person. Like I'm mental." I said, my eyes dulling. "Saving myself the trouble really. Better they don't know than spin my words against me and causing more harm."

I'm aware about most things. Like what people think of me. Loud, annoying and love being alone. I don't even bother to correct them anymore. 

"but..." Sans trailed off looking lost for words. 

"Look, no mean to offend, but unless people bother to do research, things aren't going to change and telling them the truth will only cause more problems."

"but don't you have at least someone to fall back on?" he asked desperately. 

I shook my head. "My parents are always busy and don't really listen. My grandparents are religious and not much help. I don't have friends and I don't have a great connection with my siblings. My teachers can't and don't know how to help. So no, I have no one."

"what about those in your class?"

I scoffed slightly. "They aren't my friends. They ignore me when I try to talk to them and say things freely. Besides, I told them once."

"and...?"

"They said that other people have had it worse than me." I said through gritted teeth fighting back tears. They don't know better. It was a simple mistake. But the implication is there. And it hurt. 

I saw him flinch from the corner of my eye. At least he understands, somewhat. 

"That there are kids who lost their parents or are beaten up _by_ their parents. That one of them has seen a child get beat up with a vase by their dad. But which is worse? Living a short life with parents that love you before they die? Or have parents who are still alive but call you a **Burden.** "

Sans let out a shaky breath. "oh stars."

I wiped away a tear from my eye almost angrily. I saw a familiar car and picked up my bag. I let out an angered exhale and look over at Sans' horrified face. 

"See ya tomorrow Sans." I said and walked away. 

~~~

This time I am sitting on a bench in the shade. The library is closed so I can't go there. Sans came up to me with his hands behind his back. I raised an eyebrow at his behavior. I finished up my entry and close my book to give him my full attention. 

"Hi Sans." I greeted. 

"hey." he grins and gesture to the empty space beside me. "can I sit?"

"Sure." I said and scoot to the side. He sat down beside me, the item behind his back still away from my view. 

"What's that?" I asked. 

He smiles wider. "well, I see you're always alone. so I had Papy make me extra."

"Extra what?" I asked with a raised brow. 

He grins wider and pulls out two brown bags. "extra lunch!"

I could only stare in numb shock as he handed me a bag with a yellow sticky note that says "Sans' new human friend!"

I was in shock as I stared at the bag in my lap. "Sans...I-"

_I have no words._

Both the gesture and the note shocked me. Friend?

Sans chuckled slightly. "yeah, Paps asked why I wanted extra and I told him. guess he got excited."

"But...why?" I couldn't help but ask. 

"well, I barely see you eat and you look like you need a friend. so I brought both."

"I'm your friend?" I asked. 

He smiled wider. "well yeah. If the last few days hadn't meant anything. I want to be your friend. get to know you."

I was still surprised before I slumped. "I'm nothing special. You don't want to be friends with me."

"yes I do." he insisted. "look, those guys only see the bad. but I see is an amazing person. almost as cool as my bro. so yes, I want to be your friend (y/n). besides," he winked at me. "you're pretty cute if I do say so myself."

I froze at the compliment. I looked away with a small smile. 

"Okay." I said and smiled brightly at him. "We can be friends."

Maybe this time, with him, I won't lie when I said I'm fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit 17/9/2017: reading this again, I kinda feel it. The sadness and rant that I wrote down. To those of you who understand and are suffering, just keep holding on. I'm not gonna lie and tell you that I.know things will get better. But I will tell you that if you need anyone, me and tons of people out there will greet you with open arms. Most of us here have experienced this and we know what it feels like. So if you ever feel like this, I'm here and always ready to help. If you don't want me then there are others who will help too. You just gotta take one more risk and try. 
> 
> To those of you who don't know about depression, it's a mental illness that effects the way people live, eat and go about life in general. Bear in mind, depression is difficult and is not easy whatsoever. It's hard to even get up in the morning and if you're like me who have to deal with people like in this one shot, it doesn't help. Rather if you aren't careful with what you say, you can drive a depressed person off the edge. Someone said that I should be more human recently and it hurt. It hurts cause it implies that they don't even see me as a person. It may sound petty to others but to a depressed person, that felt like a knife to the Soul. And it hurts more because you already blame yourself for everything. 
> 
> Sorry. The point is that if you aren't depressed and want to help, you can. All you have to do is support them. Don't give advise. Don't say that it's a phase or anything or that sort. Support sometimes feel more sincere that advise. But if you are trying than trust me, you're better than the people around me. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
